ATS Journal #1 - I have motivation — but not for the things I thought I would…

I haven't posted in months. I've had ideas come up, I have gone through the thought process toward making them real, but there's a reason you haven't seen any of it: I never actually made it. My motivation is so scattered and the focus of my motivation solidifies in so many different aspects of my life. I am motivated to put extra hours into work, to work on home projects, to find some serious relaxation and just play video games or read a full book series in a week. And then maybe a few days every month, I get this insane itch to work on building something different.

So here’s the deal: I am filled with a desire to create, to make something for people to see, to show up in the digital world. And that is normal for me. But, since starting a full time job 2 years ago, I have a lot of hesitation with putting myself on platforms that are more “easy access”, if that makes sense. 

I really just want to create a space for a community. I want to include people with similar interests that can build, learn, and grow with each other. That was always the dream for this. But how do I do that if when I get a fun idea for a YouTube video or a Short/Reel/TikTok, I now freeze up and subconsciously talk myself out of it? 

I guess it is not always subconscious, I do kinda go through ideas and then come up with reasons to not do the thing. My big hesitancy right now is related to my full time job. For those of you who don’t know, I work full time as an engineer. I really enjoy the work I do and the community I am part of. Under no circumstances would I let my hobby/side gig sort of thing (ATS) jeopardize my job in any way.

Now I am not saying that my job doesn’t allow for a side hobby/hustle thing, I guess. At least I don’t think there is anything about that. But obviously, I cannot be committing to something that hinders my ability to work and complete tasks for my job. 

I do enjoy my job, but as I have said here before, I have craved something more public for a very long time. 

So right now, I am trying to pinpoint the motivation I have. I have motivation to work on ATS, yes. But what within ATS is something I want to work on? Here is my list as of July 26, 2026 (the day I am writing this): 

• Making the website look pretty
  • Yes this is fine but also, the site works right now, it is functional and making it prettier won’t change that. Also, why change the way the website looks if the content isn’t changing right now? If no one is coming to the site, does it even matter?
• Working on stuff for my YouTube Channel
  • This doesn’t matter if I am never going to post a video
• Work on promoting my email list
  • Yeah this is huge. I really should put the time into this and I bought a course to teach me how to do it but again… That is a lot of time to commit to something that doesn’t matter if I am not getting traffic.
• Film a YouTube video just to get comfortable with the process
  • Honestly not even a bad idea, I don’t have to post it if I don’t like it and I still get the camera and editing experience.
• Create a content calendar
  • Please don’t do this Susanna! I have made so many content schedules/calendars/trackers and none of them have been the thing to help me stay accountable and motivated.
• Restructure ATS, again
  • Nope, I already see why it is pointless right now. Why do a restructure/rebrand if you aren’t going to make content or you are going to lose motivation in a week?
• Ditch ATS entirely for right now and do something even less productive
  • …I have already scrolled on my phone for far too long today… no.
• Make a YouTube video about a video game I am playing
  • Sure, but which game, how much set up is required, will the dog come bother you mid-film, etc?

At the end of all of this, I have a million reasons to not do things and a million reasons to do things. I really need to just pick one and go with it. These are the sayings I just need to keep repeating to myself:

• The best time to plant a tree was probably 20 years ago, but the next best time is right now. 
• “Should’ve”, “Would’ve”, “Could’ve” never did nothing for anyone.

I feel like I have more to say but I cannot find any sort of path with it. Basically, I want to grow ATS. But the only way to do that is to put some darn effort into it and just CREATE! Let’s see where this goes…